Slam Me with the Truth

two days na lang ang natitira bago ako tuluyang maging "hindi na high school student". malapit na akong tumapak sa panibagong mundong highly unstable at highly surreal. ang mundong gagalawan ko’y magiging mas magulo at mas hectic.

medyo nasasad ako these days. ewan ko ba kung bakit. basta nafeefeel ko lang na parang kulang pa ang ginagawa ko sa buhay ko bilang 4th year student. para bang may hindi pa ako nagagwa na dapat kong gawin.

hmm..o baka may dapat akong maramdamang hindi ko pa nararamdaman. in a related matter: naramdaman ko na..pero hindi siya successful. lahat failure.

these week nawitness ko ang imminent destruction ng sectiong minamahal ko ng lubusan: ang LINNAEUS. we were all getting along on the surface, pero sa loob pala, may mga malalalim na sama ng loob na naghahari sa aming mga puso. it was very difficult to open up and speak of friendships that have gone to nowhere; of love and hearts that have vanished and have been broken; of relationships ruined. i, myself, have been quite clandestine sa aking mga nararamdaman. kasi para bang mas magandang imaintain yung peace kesa sa ilabas ang ating mga nararamdaman. sometimes im not sure kasi if what i feel isn’t just a result of my being too oversensitive (notice the use of the intensifier kahit na superlative na ang aking complement).  ewan ba.

but it had to be put on the table. it had to be discussed. at diniscuss nga namin. it was very hurtful for others, but all together, it was very constructive and very healing. naayos namin ang mga problema at sinimulan ang healing process. haayy. all in the name of love for one another.

but the heavy feeling ay hindi parin nawawala. sana sa college..(eto na aamin na) e mainluv nako ng totoo!!

i’m overwhelmed.

what i thought would be just another ordinary day for me has turned out to be one of the most profound and joyous days for me. again, i was shown explicitly that no matter if you grab the gold or not, it’s the way you played the game that count.

cliche?

i know. i myself am not a fan of such a statement. i find it very old, bland, and untrue. i don’t like losing. for me, winning is the ultimate goal in every endeavor. but the way einstein played the game this afternoon proved to me that winning really isn’t the thing that makes you happy at the end of the day. it’s the feeling of contentment that you experience after a hard day’s work.

that’s what i felt kanina while i watched the boyus of IV-Einstein play their hearts out in basketball. it was the semi-finals and we were hoping with all our might that we would get the final slot for the championship battle. unfortunately, faraday got to the goal first and we lost.

funny. at that time, i didn’t feel like a loser. in fact, my classmates and i feel as if we are the winners coz we really bonded over the game. we prided ourselves in the fact that we played cleanly and our cheers weren’t personal.

the score? 33-40. yeah. but at first we were leading! ehehehe.

einstein, it doesn’t matter whether we won or lost. sa aking mga mata, tayo parin ang panalo. swear. i love you guys!!

hhmm..

i just got back from don bosco’s..uhhmm…54th(?) foundation day celebration-esque (the suffix coz it’s not the main celebration yet)

again..i was subjected to a rather bizaare managerie of old and very odd memories; some i smiled at..while for the others…well..let’s just say i’d rather keep them in the catacombs of my soul (huwat?!)

i can never really escape my past or the "kagaguhans" that i committed noon. i, as well as my friends, know that i am really in the process of overhauling my life and turning over a new leaf..but still, the past is a mold that will forver have a hand in shaping our existence..

call me totally in limbo..

i’m struggling with these quasi-extensial feelings that i have..

nakakaasar!!

hhmm..

i just got back from don bosco’s..uhhmm…54th(?) foundation day celebration-esque (the suffix coz it’s not the main celebration yet)

again..i was subjected to a rather bizaare managerie of old and very odd memories; some i smiled at..while for the others…well..let’s just say i’d rather keep them in the catacombs of my soul (huwat?!)

i can never really escape my past or the "kagaguhans" that i committed noon. i, as well as my friends, know that i am really in the process of overhauling my life and turning over a new leaf..but still, the past is a mold that will forver have a hand in shaping our existence..

call me totally in limbo..

i’m struggling with these quasi-extensial feelings that i have..

nakakaasar!!

my thoughts on journalism:

recently, the school entered the mini press conference: the contest in preparation for the regional schools press conference that aims to train manila journalists in their respective fields. i was tasked with the hard task of falling under the category of editorial writing. so i guess, i said to myself, it will all go easy since i’ve been in that category for almost 3 years.

jitterbugs didn’t even visit me as the opening ceremonies were transpiring. even as the lecturer was discussing on the lack of humanity in editorials, i was still as confident as ever. but the moment that he gave us our topic, i was dumbfounded. he said that we had to write about a "situation" not a topic..

the moment i heard that, my eyebrow rose.

and when he injected the word "humor" in his instructions, i knew i was in for it, for my editorial writing has the humor of a goat. (i reckon editorials are supposed to be serious and grim because the subjects tackled are also grim!)

so..as i was writing, i just let whatever came to mind flow, disregarding the rules and patterns of editorial writing.. i don’t know the results yet..i think i lost… (power of positive thinking)

my thoughts on the opening of the SEA games:

i was there. right front and center…well..not center exactly.. but i was near the stadium itself..i was a few meters behind the main camera tent together with some of my classmates..

we were quite a number at the beginning, marching from the school to the stadium in support of our athletes (some just wanted to get their allowance and leave…poor them). but as time passed, we dwindled and dwindled til we were only about 10 in sight. and i don’t blame those who left..the standing conditions were quite substandard. the fields were cramped..there was no organization of placement..nada!

to make the day kind of grim, the students at my back were quite the barbarians. they neither exude an ounce of breathing, or a puff of sophistication as they shrieked and yelled and fought and made complete and utter fools of themselves.

excerpt!!: as the ateneans were passing by..they shrieked with all of their might which kinda made me pity them as the tall ateneans were looking at them with fervent disgust.

even while the prayer was being said, those little imps went on and on talking about their ugly faces and dirty dresses..please..

but just when i thought that the whole day was going to suck..the event started..

and the surge of patriotism was remarkable..when the philippine flag enetered the stadium..the uproar of applause and cheers almost brought tears to my eyes..

and when the national anthem was sung…well, as they say, the rest is history..

as for my final words..all i have to say is: mabuhay ang atletang pinoy!!

it may seem as if destiny has once again decided to oppose me in my quest for a single moment of happiness.

as always, like in all cases before, it would appear that the cosmos have opted to deal me a fatal blow, not only in matters of the heart, but also in matters of friendship in nature. (when do i get a break?!)

after a very uncomfortable admission to my friends with regard to a certain issue, i was able to contemplate on the matter which had plagued my life for so long. i could no longer keep it to myself and to my close friends, whom i reckon have alkready had their fill to the brim when it came to my vents and such.

now, i am faced with the grueling task of rebuilding my torn-apart existence since there’s nowhere left for me to turn.. to my loving friends who never abandoned me and who gave me those solod peices of advice..i thank you..from the bottom of my heart…

now..it’s time for me to start living…for real…

it’s been quite a long while since I last posted. and to be honest, a lot’s happened that’s changed me in ways i hadn’t thought possible.

i am once again under the destructive powers of the starts as they align to destroy me. it’s novemeber, my worst month of the year. i don’t know why…but every novemeber, something happens to my system that causes me to become ultra paranaoid and very jumpy..depression goes along with it and i end up all drenched in tears and madness.

you think you know me? you don’t have a clue.

i hate the people who are so insensitive that they cannot see the pain that they cause me. i can’t fathom the reason why they always tend to hurt me in an excusable way..and in the end, i will forgive them with just a single apology.

the gods must be mad at me.

for some reason, i am now a slave to the whims of fate..and it seems that fate "whims" it that i be doomed to suffer novemeber as the most unbearable and excruciating month of my life..

    a. fyt with two of the closest friends in my life…well..with just one..the other was just a fit..we patched it up.. again..

    b. my grades are now sinking to an all time low.. fuck TLE!! i got the first line of 7 in my entire life! please lord..STEP powers help me!

    c. a huge part of me has been ripped apart….. but then again…that was a long time coming. i knew that it was going to happen one way or another….

            but it hurts like hell….

**to those who stayed with me through thick and thin….to those who understand my character and personality…thank you..i owe you everything..

ok..so it’s been another shitty day.. throughout this whole day..i felt as if an elephant was sitting on me.. i felt weak and kinda distorted and smushed.. i don’t understand the feeling..and i don’t know why i felt that way..

i have a theory:

the people who leave you hanging teach you the realities of life.. i agree.. by that person/people leaving you hanging desperately for life,we realize that life is a cruel and unforgiving world where we can depend on no one except for ourselves..

my god!!

why?!! and more importantly..why you??!

in a way i thank god that this happened early on and not later because i would’ve invested more at a later time..and i would’ve been more hurt..

but the thing is..i didn’t expect this..again..more over..i didn’t expect this from you..you know who you are.. 

im a little bit guilty that once again..i missed out on Einstein’s game.. it’s kinda ackward that I, being the president, have yet to attend a single match! Now, I run the risk of being branded as a class-saboteur.. I hope I can make it next time..

in other news…

i feel shitty.. it really sucks when a friend gives you up for "better" friends.. that’s what i feel.. it’s as if the whole world stopped and the entire brunt of it came crashing down on me.. it’s so unfair! how come i have to be the victim?

haayy..

it’s a good thing something okay came out of this whole week of shit..

things have quite gotten better for my section after the first month ever so quickly passed by. it’s as if the cogs only needed a striking to get it rollin. but i don’t know what that strike was. maybe im wrong on that regard. but i think i’m right.

whatever. enough about that.

i just watched "The Notebook" this afternoon. tear fest. i really poured it out with matching noises that accompany sobbing. i don’t know. call me cry baby i don’t care. but it really got to me. the lines, the plot, the theme. it was as if i could feel what the characters felt. and the sex scene was hot!! hehehe..Ü

but enough  of that part. lets focus on the "less dangerous" part. but mind you, i like danger.

the two characters were played by rachel mcadams and ryan gosling..(my god..acting gurus!!) they play the usual story line of poor and shity-lifed boy falls for rich-mannered girl and parents step in to destroy their relationship.

they part ways then get reunited and then fall back in love. (haaaaaayyy)

but it got to me. i don’t know how or why. i usually am quite critical of such cliches. but this one didn’t gring my bones.

the story is wrapped by cut scenes of an old man and woman who converse with each other. the man tells the woman the story of rachel. at the end, its revealed that the old woman is rachel herself who has suffered from dimensia and has forgotten everything. the old man, yes you guessed it, was gosling. after he reads her the entire story, she sort of slips back to memory and remembers him, which lasted for about five minutes. afterwhich, she freaked when he hugged him. back to dimensia.

the next scene was the old man lying in bed reading the notebook. something was written there:

"to my love noah,

read this to me… i’ll come back to you."

and that pretty much sealed the deal for me.

the director didn’t forget to end the thing with the cherry on top of the sundae.

the old woman asked the man in one of her rare reality moments if their love could make them together forever..the answer?…they both died..holding each others’ hands..fulfilling their final wishes to be together forever..against all odds..be it a man..or a sickness.

i may not be an effective story teller. but watch it. if you’re a stone hearted btich you wont like it. i assure you.